What you Watain, what you Watain for...?

Watain. Anyone who is even slightly into their metal will be astutely aware that this band in particular have been gaining a lot of attention recently, even terrorizer who are known for their insightful writings about the scene have been fawning over the band in an almost embarrassing way. I had checked them out but not been blown away by any recordings they had, so, I thought my chance to be convinced would be when they played at the Underworld on Monday night. Half of my group of friends were excitedly asking me if I would be attending the event, the other half were sneering in disdain at this 'poseur' bunch of metallers.

The first thing that hit me on entering the underworld was the stench… ok, so normally the smell in the underworld leaves you reeling anyway, but this would have drained your fucking brain out through your nostrils in comparison. Ox blood. Its fucking disgusting. I know metal is all about the stage show, it enhances the evil experience blah blah blah and it has been done, and done, and done… many times before. Is it really that fucking cool anymore? Do you really want to be at the front of a show rocking out to have a bunch of stinking animal blood thrown in your face? If you do, whatever. Its pretty lame. Especially when you send out a vegetarian girl to go and find the shit for you, ooh how evil! Watains technical stage set up also declared that 'Watain would in no way play if any part of their stage show was not allowed'. Well, as the Underworld only has 2 something metres clearance from the stage, whereas Watain need at least 4 metres to allow for their 'bowls of flame' they had a part of their show missing. What? Watain COMPROMISED? What WOULD Satan think!

From all of this - the whole stage performance for Watain seems to be more of a distraction away from the fact that their music is a pile of shit, rather than being a theatrical enhancement of their show.

Lets start with the drummer. The rumour I had heard of metal drummers being competent with their feet but fucking rubbish with their hands was suddenly a glaring reality whilst watching Watian. His fills were more uneven than Lance Armstrongs ballbag, and every-time there was a change into a new section he stuttered into it… slowing down and then drastically speeding up. The guitarist was literally playing two diminished chords for each section, then lurching into some piss-weak riff while satans puppet at the front growled his way through some 'evil' nursery rhymes.

Another thing - I've read Anton Laveys 'Satanic Bible', and a lot of it is actually very logical and an eloquently poised argument against the life rules and morals that religion (christians in particular obviously) have been brainwashing everyone with for hundreds of years. There is another side of the book however, that is melodramatic, attention grabbing bullshit. Anton seemingly knew that he would have to conjure some kind of dark mysticism in order to make people sit up and take note and to cause some outrage. Unfortunately there are satanic metal bands who like to take more from the latter rather than the former. Watain seem to take all of the melodramatic attention grabbing bullshit on board only, whilst not being able to back it up with even OK music. And people were fucking nazi saluting at the front for fucks sake! I think what topped it all off for me after subjecting myself to 15 minutes of this bollocks, was that a member of Watains crew came up to me as I was watching the band backstage; 'What are you doing here?' says he, 'Don't worry, I used to work here and Im not in the way, its cool' I reply. 'No no, I meant; you're a fucking woman, what are you doing back here watching this?'.

Basically, once you strip away the rotting, maggot spilling carcass that is Watains stinking hype.. you are left with weakened, hollowed out bones containing no substance whatsoever.

Hail Satan, fuck Watain.